Not really sure what to talk about anymore.
I’ve always had something on the go, or I'm on the verge of some big new idea I can't wait to dive into, but of late I feel like I have nothing worth sharing; nothing new or exciting.
I am stuck in this trans of so many things are perfect in my life- love and a great new place of adventure but also so many things aren’t moving or happening- especially at the pace I expected.
My life has flipped. I’ve always powered ahead on my career road, everything straight sailing, a few speed bumps but you know it won’t be long, and you'll be over those, a long road but the sense of adventure excites you as you go.
Where my personal life well, love life has just been, blah; like a cold chocolate sundae, it’s alright, but you know it could be soooo much better if it was hot chocolate sauce. More of a dark, windy road you would not turn down because all you can think of is some wolf creek shit. But now my love life is more than amazing, a Ryan Gosling movie situation. I wouldn't change a thing.
But this is mother fucking life and of course, you can’t have both.
So here I am, feeling under-challenged with an annoying tick at the back of the head- a slight tick of failure. (Ooh.)
After spending two months hopeless applying for that “perfect position” and selling my soul to the point of that, I don't even know what dignity looks like, let alone feels like anymore.
I am stuck.
Not to get to carried away, there has been tiny glimpse of hope, emails from a fabulous magazine editor anyone would kill to work for, meetings with HR departments that work with all our favorite magazines and to be fair the jobs I have applied for haven't closed yet.
But nothing is moving.
I have no small push forward, or a feeling of yes, this is slowly working. Instead, it is me sitting in the lounge room, thinking of every little thing I could do to stand out.
I’ve started working retail again three days a week, so I can still drink my weight in wine during internet shopping Asos sales- Because a bitch has to do what she's gotta do.
There have been more mini breakdowns then I can count on two hands over the fact I think I am losing at life and I'm going to be a WAG for everrrrrrrr. It’s beside the point that I am more dramatic than Kim Kardashian losing her diamond earring in the ocean. (That episode never seems to not be funny.)
But all this talking has had me thinking.
People don’t talk about true failure or the feeling of it. Like it is taboo or best left unsaid.
And I am bloody well scared of it. My biggest fear in life has always been failure.
I haven't written because I haven’t got anything to say (I’m Briony fucking Kent, I always have something to say) but because I haven’t wanted to be perceived as weak or not kicking the girl boss goals I think I should be.
We always seem to only share the things that make us look together or at least on the path to semi having our shit together.
We only share our failures later. Once we have everything back together and back on track so people can’t doubt you or god for bit lose faith but only congratulate you on how far you have come and what you have achieved.
Mum was telling me to shut up and write, share what your thinking or what you're going through and in classic me behavior, I bite her head off and said I would once I have a job- once I have it sorted.
But hey, I don't have it sorted, I don't have it even close to sorted. But I have slowly come to terms with that being ok.
It’s okay for the plans in my head not to be paving the pretty garden I had in mind, for things to take longer than I thought and I want to share that. I want it to be “normal” to share our true state of mind- Life isn’t a minimalist bloggers Instagram page, it’s messy and it can really fuck you up.
I don’t think we should hide our failures or wait until life is back on track to talk about them.
There is a lot I don't know about my life and my career path but I do know that living in this new found place of uncertainty, I want to learn.
I want to soak in everything I can. Read more, learn more and enjoy what “failure” comes along next.